My little sister is getting married, and I get to be her maid of honor (MOH). But with that comes a lot of responsibility. Thankfully my sister is a realist and not a bridezilla, so the whole process is relatively easy, except I still need to plan the shower.
There is something about wedding and baby showers that gets under my skin. Don't get me wrong, I love parties, but a shower is different. It's like a party that you're forced to go to. And you have to bring a present... meaning you HAVE to spend money.
You also have to mingle with many people from different social circles and you're thrown together, again, much like survivor.
I think the wost part is having to open presents in front of everyone... or being the person having to watch someone else open presents for 2 hours. Who decided that we had to do it that way?? Is it a social etiquette thing? Who actually likes having twenty pairs of eyes on them while they open presents?
My current challenge is the games. So many games are overdone and kind of lame, so I'm trying to put together a theme-inspired quest, to keep guests from getting bored. I asked my sister if we could play Hunger Games, but she was opposed to that. I don't think she got the concept that we wouldn't ACTUALLY be killing anyone.
My sister's first suggestion was: "Bomb Girls! Fighting the nazi's!" and my immediate reaction to her was "You can't have nazi's at a bridal shower!"
So her second suggestion was a "Breakfast at Tiffany's" themed shower, since she's a huge Audrey Hepburn fan, so that's what it's going to be... except, I might be changing the concept just a little bit. I mean, it is possible that Voldemort was around in the greater times of Audrey's career, right?
If anyone has an amazing idea for a shower game, please feel free to post it either on my facebook or on the comment section below. Until then, I'm going to allow my creativity to take over... no matter how ridiculous.
Friday, March 29, 2013
Thursday, March 28, 2013
When family is 10 shades of crazy
Tomorrow is my first official real day off! I didn't realize, until someone today wished me a happy Easter. I completely forgot that that was the reason for getting two days off of clinic. I guess there comes a time in your life where if you're not actively celebrating religion, that holidays like this get overlooked... or we save them for kids.
I know a lot of people are doing family celebrations this weekend, but I am not one of those people. I do remember the days where we did celebrate and the first thing that comes to mind is having to spend time with a very dysfunctional family.
Why are families so crazy?! Each person on their own has their issues, but you put them all together and it's a pot of boiling rabbits smelling of guilt and psychotic tendencies. I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. Do any of us have a normal family? If you said yes, well, I'm pretty sure you're lying. If you're not lying, then I'm voting you off the island.
I don't know why, but the universe found it necessary to give me an aunt who is 10 shades of crazy. She had the ability to ruin every single family holiday, and everything was always about her. All eyes had to be on her; she was always the victim. She would throw food, throw tantrums, take back Christmas presents. She would talk about you behind your back but days later would shower you with complements... I think she would have her own classification of bipolar in the DSM IV.
But with family gatherings, you do get the stories. Some of them are bit unpleasant and you try to forget them, but others just make you laugh. The ones where Nana gets hurt and swears at Papa are my favourite. Nana swears a lot...
Bringing the extended family together is a project. It requires planning. You have to think about the seating chart; With my dad's side I apparently still qualify for the "kiddie table". Apparently it doesn't matter if you're 28 and a naturopathic intern... more people are still older than you and you still get the kiddie table.
In addition to planning you also need to know when to kick people out - because really, if you don't, they will never leave. And don't forget to make everyone's favourite type of potatoes: mashed with sour cream, mashed with little chunks, mashed sweat potatoes, baked sweat potatoes, roasted potatoes... everyone has their preference horse and they'll be disappointed if they show up and their favourite potatoes are not there.
So for everyone out there who is having a nice family gathering this weekend, I wish you goodluck. Take mental pictures every time something hilarious happens. Get your speech ready for when they ask you "How's school going?" and if you're married, be ready to duck the inevitable question "So when are you guys going to have a baby?!?"
We can't choose our family, but if we did, I think life would be a little boring.
I know a lot of people are doing family celebrations this weekend, but I am not one of those people. I do remember the days where we did celebrate and the first thing that comes to mind is having to spend time with a very dysfunctional family.
Why are families so crazy?! Each person on their own has their issues, but you put them all together and it's a pot of boiling rabbits smelling of guilt and psychotic tendencies. I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. Do any of us have a normal family? If you said yes, well, I'm pretty sure you're lying. If you're not lying, then I'm voting you off the island.
I don't know why, but the universe found it necessary to give me an aunt who is 10 shades of crazy. She had the ability to ruin every single family holiday, and everything was always about her. All eyes had to be on her; she was always the victim. She would throw food, throw tantrums, take back Christmas presents. She would talk about you behind your back but days later would shower you with complements... I think she would have her own classification of bipolar in the DSM IV.
But with family gatherings, you do get the stories. Some of them are bit unpleasant and you try to forget them, but others just make you laugh. The ones where Nana gets hurt and swears at Papa are my favourite. Nana swears a lot...
Bringing the extended family together is a project. It requires planning. You have to think about the seating chart; With my dad's side I apparently still qualify for the "kiddie table". Apparently it doesn't matter if you're 28 and a naturopathic intern... more people are still older than you and you still get the kiddie table.
In addition to planning you also need to know when to kick people out - because really, if you don't, they will never leave. And don't forget to make everyone's favourite type of potatoes: mashed with sour cream, mashed with little chunks, mashed sweat potatoes, baked sweat potatoes, roasted potatoes... everyone has their preference horse and they'll be disappointed if they show up and their favourite potatoes are not there.
So for everyone out there who is having a nice family gathering this weekend, I wish you goodluck. Take mental pictures every time something hilarious happens. Get your speech ready for when they ask you "How's school going?" and if you're married, be ready to duck the inevitable question "So when are you guys going to have a baby?!?"
We can't choose our family, but if we did, I think life would be a little boring.
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
A day of boobies and babies
I had a day full of boobies and babies yesterday, and honestly, it was exhausting!
I was shadowing at the breastfeeding clinic on campus, each appointment being an hour long, and I was taken on a trip through memory lane...
Maybe my exhaustion was due to the fact that the rooms were so warm, with nice sunlight beaming in, and having to see 6 patients back to back... but I think it was more than that. Watching the interaction of the mother (or both parents) with each infant, I was reminded of how much love there is with a new family addition, but also how much work babies are.
Granted, when I stepped into the room to see the first "brand-new" baby of the day (literally only days old), my heart just melted and I could feel a little tug on my ovaries. But in truth, the novelty of a cute little baby wears off as soon as you realize it's a 24-hour job. Actually, I think it's more than that.
When someone says that being a mother is a full-time job, I laugh inside, because really, it's like having 3 full-time jobs. You are on-call 24-hours a day. And you can't always delegate to other staff/team members. They don't have all the prerequisites including boobies full of milk. At the same time, the business that you are in requires a constant giving of yourself. You physically, mentally and emotionally have to share your entire self with little baby.
When baby sleeps, you sleep - not the other way around. Baby doesn't know about your morning yoga routine. If you want to eat, baby doesn't care, you have to feed it first. And don't forget about the language barrier! Baby doesn't speak yet so you have to learn baby-language via different cries, faces, squirminess.
And babies are not like puppies... you can't train them to poo outside. Nor can you use litter boxes. You must attend to every single wet diaper or bowel movement, and unlike most grownups, babies can poo ALL THE TIME. They can also squirt you with urine if you leave your guard down. They can't even grasp the concept that squirting pee at you is kinda funny. So really that whole moment is lost on them.
Next you have to figure out what to do with all those dirty diapers. I mean, yes, you can use cloth, but now you have to deal with the poo on a whole other level and wash those cloth diapers (who am I kidding... this is probably what I'll end up doing one day). If you choose to go disposable, now you have to figure out how to work the Diaper Genie - which isn't as magical as it sounds. Really, I had the hardest time figuring it out and once I did, I realized that all it did was make long strings of diaper sausages.
But babies are like puppies in the fact that they are super cute, they require lots of love and you need to take them on walks. Unfortunately, when they are a few years old, they still are not strong enough to pull you down the street on your rollerblades.
So all in all, I had an amazing experience yesterday, but I know that at this time in my life, there's no way I could handle a mini-me. I give full credit to my friends and peers who are at that right time in their life, because I remember what it was like helping my sister with her little one when we lived together.
Maybe I will start with something small... but I can't quite think of an animal that is small, and not ugly (like a fish), or that is quiet (unlike a bird) or that doesn't poop all the time... hmm... Okay, maybe I'll just borrow other people's babies for like 5 minutes and then give them back.
I was shadowing at the breastfeeding clinic on campus, each appointment being an hour long, and I was taken on a trip through memory lane...
Maybe my exhaustion was due to the fact that the rooms were so warm, with nice sunlight beaming in, and having to see 6 patients back to back... but I think it was more than that. Watching the interaction of the mother (or both parents) with each infant, I was reminded of how much love there is with a new family addition, but also how much work babies are.
Granted, when I stepped into the room to see the first "brand-new" baby of the day (literally only days old), my heart just melted and I could feel a little tug on my ovaries. But in truth, the novelty of a cute little baby wears off as soon as you realize it's a 24-hour job. Actually, I think it's more than that.
When someone says that being a mother is a full-time job, I laugh inside, because really, it's like having 3 full-time jobs. You are on-call 24-hours a day. And you can't always delegate to other staff/team members. They don't have all the prerequisites including boobies full of milk. At the same time, the business that you are in requires a constant giving of yourself. You physically, mentally and emotionally have to share your entire self with little baby.
When baby sleeps, you sleep - not the other way around. Baby doesn't know about your morning yoga routine. If you want to eat, baby doesn't care, you have to feed it first. And don't forget about the language barrier! Baby doesn't speak yet so you have to learn baby-language via different cries, faces, squirminess.
And babies are not like puppies... you can't train them to poo outside. Nor can you use litter boxes. You must attend to every single wet diaper or bowel movement, and unlike most grownups, babies can poo ALL THE TIME. They can also squirt you with urine if you leave your guard down. They can't even grasp the concept that squirting pee at you is kinda funny. So really that whole moment is lost on them.
Next you have to figure out what to do with all those dirty diapers. I mean, yes, you can use cloth, but now you have to deal with the poo on a whole other level and wash those cloth diapers (who am I kidding... this is probably what I'll end up doing one day). If you choose to go disposable, now you have to figure out how to work the Diaper Genie - which isn't as magical as it sounds. Really, I had the hardest time figuring it out and once I did, I realized that all it did was make long strings of diaper sausages.
But babies are like puppies in the fact that they are super cute, they require lots of love and you need to take them on walks. Unfortunately, when they are a few years old, they still are not strong enough to pull you down the street on your rollerblades.
So all in all, I had an amazing experience yesterday, but I know that at this time in my life, there's no way I could handle a mini-me. I give full credit to my friends and peers who are at that right time in their life, because I remember what it was like helping my sister with her little one when we lived together.
Maybe I will start with something small... but I can't quite think of an animal that is small, and not ugly (like a fish), or that is quiet (unlike a bird) or that doesn't poop all the time... hmm... Okay, maybe I'll just borrow other people's babies for like 5 minutes and then give them back.
Monday, March 25, 2013
Kitchen Adventures... what NOT to do
What's a girl to do when her boyfriend is away? Cooking and cleaning! I swear it's not as anti-feminist as it seems.
I decided to have a kitchen adventure and make a brand new and very complicated recipe. Except that it's not that complicated... it just required me going to a grocery store that I never use - which is an adventure in itself! I was all disoriented. Figs were starting to look like chestnuts. The fresh meats were nowhere to be seen. But thankfully the employees, scattered all around the store, all wore nice bright red shirts and were able to direct me when I got lost.
Then I hit the LCBO for two types of Port and really had no idea what I was even looking for. I mean, I couldn't really tell which would be good for a soup, so I based my decision on the amount of bonus Air Miles that was offered with each one.
The next part of this adventure was cooking duck. I'd never done it before and was a little scared. It's a whole other species of bird! But I have to say that I was pretty impressed with my mallard intuition. My duck soup was a success but not without a few hiccups. So to help your future kitchen endeavors, I'm giving you my "What NOT to do during a kitchen adventure" list:
1) If you have a paper cut, wear gloves when touching minced garlic. Ditto for lemon/lemon juice. The pain is so incredible that at that moment I almost wanted to amputate my entire arm.
2) If you plan on chopping up and handling jalapeno peppers, make sure to take out your contact lenses and then DO NOT TOUCH YOUR EYE. If you do, you will feel like a fountain of sulfuric acid is pouring gingerly over your eyeballs.
3) Always use protection when handling hot objects. You must wear oven mitts when removing a cast iron skillet from a hot oven. If you do not, there will be much burning.
4) Just because an oven mitt doesn't technically conduct heat, you should not touch the part of the oven mitt that was in contact with the hot object only seconds ago. It's still pretty damn hot.
5) Always read the entire recipe before starting it and make sure you understand all the steps don't miss anything. Sheppard's Pie just isn't the same without the ground beef.
Numbers 1, 3 and 4 were from today. The upside is that the duck soup was a success.
I decided to have a kitchen adventure and make a brand new and very complicated recipe. Except that it's not that complicated... it just required me going to a grocery store that I never use - which is an adventure in itself! I was all disoriented. Figs were starting to look like chestnuts. The fresh meats were nowhere to be seen. But thankfully the employees, scattered all around the store, all wore nice bright red shirts and were able to direct me when I got lost.
Then I hit the LCBO for two types of Port and really had no idea what I was even looking for. I mean, I couldn't really tell which would be good for a soup, so I based my decision on the amount of bonus Air Miles that was offered with each one.
The next part of this adventure was cooking duck. I'd never done it before and was a little scared. It's a whole other species of bird! But I have to say that I was pretty impressed with my mallard intuition. My duck soup was a success but not without a few hiccups. So to help your future kitchen endeavors, I'm giving you my "What NOT to do during a kitchen adventure" list:
1) If you have a paper cut, wear gloves when touching minced garlic. Ditto for lemon/lemon juice. The pain is so incredible that at that moment I almost wanted to amputate my entire arm.
2) If you plan on chopping up and handling jalapeno peppers, make sure to take out your contact lenses and then DO NOT TOUCH YOUR EYE. If you do, you will feel like a fountain of sulfuric acid is pouring gingerly over your eyeballs.
3) Always use protection when handling hot objects. You must wear oven mitts when removing a cast iron skillet from a hot oven. If you do not, there will be much burning.
4) Just because an oven mitt doesn't technically conduct heat, you should not touch the part of the oven mitt that was in contact with the hot object only seconds ago. It's still pretty damn hot.
5) Always read the entire recipe before starting it and make sure you understand all the steps don't miss anything. Sheppard's Pie just isn't the same without the ground beef.
Numbers 1, 3 and 4 were from today. The upside is that the duck soup was a success.
Saturday, March 23, 2013
It's a Catch 2.0
Evolution is a funny thing. I don't mean in a Darwin sort of way - but in a human-development way. Because of technology and human advances, we've solved many problems of our past, but we make all new problems. We think technology makes life easier, but does it? Really, I think it just makes life busier and faster... which is a good thing?
I'm currently trying to read Mitch Albom's The Time Keeper. And I say "trying" because, ironically, not having enough time is keeping me from finishing it.
We invented the concept of time; Of making calendars, of measuring out the days by sunrises and sunsets, and breaking them up into hours, and minutes and seconds. Because of technology, everything in our world is "instant" and we can technically fit more into a day.
Remember the days of snail mail? I actually used to write letters to friends and send them in an envelope with a real stamp and put it in a physical mailbox. It would take about a week to get a reply. But now we text each other and can communicate instantly.
I wanted to talk about it because it's such a huge source of anxiety and stress in our world. But how can we deal with it? How do we solve this problem? People (including myself) always say there is never enough time!
If we create more space in our day by being able to accomplish more in that time via technology, isn't there just more stress put on us to get more done and be MORE productive? It's a Catch 22... or a catch 2.0? I can submit assignments without actually having to be present in class. I can arrange my weekend plans with just a few taps on my iPhone. With the physical barriers gone, there's more pressure to get things done in a day.
Would it be terrible if we all just slowed down?!
It's funny that nowadays we get "mental health days" from work. We actually need to force ourselves to take time off, but how many of us actually do that? And really, would one day every 6-8 months make a difference? Who can afford to take more time off of work? We need to make money, we need to have society running, and we need to keep the economy going (I'm guessing... I really have no idea what's going on with the economy... Seriously, there could be a room full of monkeys sitting at desks crunching numbers on Casio calculators just making shit up for all I know.)
Side note: on the mention of monkeys, I'm pretty sure that's how our government is run. Everything seems so backwards to me. I'm going to be an ND in less than 2 years, helping to heal people rather than medicate and sedate them, thereby alleviating the stress on our health care system and yet the banks and the government insist on just taking all my money instead of helping me grow... and they're using my money to pay for other peoples bad health choices (due to lack of education... which is where NDs come in).
How f&@%ed up is that??? Some days I truly feel like I can take on the world and help make it a better place, but other times I'm so overwhelmed with how far we've come in screwing up our society.
How do we weight out the benefits of what we have and what technology allows us to do, with the risks of creating more stress and anxiety (among other health problems) from the society we've created?
I'm currently trying to read Mitch Albom's The Time Keeper. And I say "trying" because, ironically, not having enough time is keeping me from finishing it.
We invented the concept of time; Of making calendars, of measuring out the days by sunrises and sunsets, and breaking them up into hours, and minutes and seconds. Because of technology, everything in our world is "instant" and we can technically fit more into a day.
Remember the days of snail mail? I actually used to write letters to friends and send them in an envelope with a real stamp and put it in a physical mailbox. It would take about a week to get a reply. But now we text each other and can communicate instantly.
I wanted to talk about it because it's such a huge source of anxiety and stress in our world. But how can we deal with it? How do we solve this problem? People (including myself) always say there is never enough time!
If we create more space in our day by being able to accomplish more in that time via technology, isn't there just more stress put on us to get more done and be MORE productive? It's a Catch 22... or a catch 2.0? I can submit assignments without actually having to be present in class. I can arrange my weekend plans with just a few taps on my iPhone. With the physical barriers gone, there's more pressure to get things done in a day.
Would it be terrible if we all just slowed down?!
It's funny that nowadays we get "mental health days" from work. We actually need to force ourselves to take time off, but how many of us actually do that? And really, would one day every 6-8 months make a difference? Who can afford to take more time off of work? We need to make money, we need to have society running, and we need to keep the economy going (I'm guessing... I really have no idea what's going on with the economy... Seriously, there could be a room full of monkeys sitting at desks crunching numbers on Casio calculators just making shit up for all I know.)
Side note: on the mention of monkeys, I'm pretty sure that's how our government is run. Everything seems so backwards to me. I'm going to be an ND in less than 2 years, helping to heal people rather than medicate and sedate them, thereby alleviating the stress on our health care system and yet the banks and the government insist on just taking all my money instead of helping me grow... and they're using my money to pay for other peoples bad health choices (due to lack of education... which is where NDs come in).
How f&@%ed up is that??? Some days I truly feel like I can take on the world and help make it a better place, but other times I'm so overwhelmed with how far we've come in screwing up our society.
How do we weight out the benefits of what we have and what technology allows us to do, with the risks of creating more stress and anxiety (among other health problems) from the society we've created?
Friday, March 22, 2013
Shit that CCNM students say
So I've been MIA for the past few days... studying away for OSCE and trying not to let my brain explode. This school does some interesting things to you, and most of the time I think that if any other type of student heard us talking in the halls, they would think we're crazy. So I've compiled a starter list of the "shit CCNM students say"...
"Can I see your tongue?"
This is usually followed up with: "Wow, you have a serious map tongue!" or "I see a bit of scalloping around the edges... how's your spleen function?"
"Oh man, I'm so Liver-ish"
"I just really don't feel like getting naked today" ... referring to massage and hydrotherapy
Student 1: Would you like a cookie?
Student 2: Is it gluten free/dairy free?
Student 1: Your lunch looks so good and healthy!
Student 2: Ughhh... I'm on the elimination diet. I feel like I just want to punch someone in the face
... later that day during Primary Care...
Instructor: So what's one thing that you would do with this patient?
Student: Elimination diet!
[for anything] "You should definitely take a probiotic and a fish oil"
Student 1: Did you go to class today?
Student 2: No. Did anyone else here go to class?
Students 3, 4 and 5: all shaking their heads no
"I'm so tired. I was up until 2am... stupid Liver time..."
"Is it up on Moodle?"
"Did you check Moodle?"
"Does anyone know how to work the Moodle?"
"It's definitely on Moodle"
"I'm SO tired!"
Instructor: "Generalized anxiety disorder: excessive anxiety and worry; finding it difficult to control the worry. Other symptoms: restlessness, easily fatigued, mind going blank, irritability, muscle tension, sleep disturbance."
Every student in the class: I totally have that...
"Dr. Saunders? Yeah, he's definitely a wizard."
Student 1: Are you going to that women's health talk today at common time?
Student 2: Is there free food there?
Student 1: Yes, I'm almost certain.
Student 2: Then yes! We should probably get there early.
Student 1: I'm so tired!
Student 2: Me too! I think I'm going to skip class and take a nap in the meditation room
"Your pulse feels a little slippery... are you pregnant?"
Student 1: You look nice today!
Student 2: Clinic.
Student 1: aaah [nods head, understandingly]
"I have clinic tomorrow so I can't forget to charge my opthalmascope!"
"My opthalmascope went dead halfway through PCD..."
"Don't forget to charge your opthalmascope!"
"My opthalmascope is dead again. Do you think I could charge it in the clinic room before having to do the exam?"
"Is it taco salad day?"
"Ugh, taco salad day again?"
"Ooh! Taco salad day!"
"I'm so tired..."
Student 1: How do you explain homeopathy to people?
Student 2: It's like an imprint of a substance in a medium... and it's energetic medicine... Something about 'like fixes like'... and then you repertorize symptoms... and the remedy overpowers the disease...
Student 3: hmmm... I just tell people it's magic
Student 1: Have you done the Peds assignment yet?
Student 2: We have another peds assignment?!?! I was working on the health psyc assignment all week.
Student 1: We have a health psyc assignment?!?!!
Student 1: I feel so deficient
Student 2: OOh! can I feel your pulse?
"Can I see your tongue?"
This is usually followed up with: "Wow, you have a serious map tongue!" or "I see a bit of scalloping around the edges... how's your spleen function?"
"Oh man, I'm so Liver-ish"
"I just really don't feel like getting naked today" ... referring to massage and hydrotherapy
Student 1: Would you like a cookie?
Student 2: Is it gluten free/dairy free?
Student 1: Your lunch looks so good and healthy!
Student 2: Ughhh... I'm on the elimination diet. I feel like I just want to punch someone in the face
... later that day during Primary Care...
Instructor: So what's one thing that you would do with this patient?
Student: Elimination diet!
[for anything] "You should definitely take a probiotic and a fish oil"
Student 1: Did you go to class today?
Student 2: No. Did anyone else here go to class?
Students 3, 4 and 5: all shaking their heads no
"I'm so tired. I was up until 2am... stupid Liver time..."
"Is it up on Moodle?"
"Did you check Moodle?"
"Does anyone know how to work the Moodle?"
"It's definitely on Moodle"
"I'm SO tired!"
Instructor: "Generalized anxiety disorder: excessive anxiety and worry; finding it difficult to control the worry. Other symptoms: restlessness, easily fatigued, mind going blank, irritability, muscle tension, sleep disturbance."
Every student in the class: I totally have that...
"Dr. Saunders? Yeah, he's definitely a wizard."
Student 1: Are you going to that women's health talk today at common time?
Student 2: Is there free food there?
Student 1: Yes, I'm almost certain.
Student 2: Then yes! We should probably get there early.
Student 1: I'm so tired!
Student 2: Me too! I think I'm going to skip class and take a nap in the meditation room
"Your pulse feels a little slippery... are you pregnant?"
Student 1: You look nice today!
Student 2: Clinic.
Student 1: aaah [nods head, understandingly]
"I have clinic tomorrow so I can't forget to charge my opthalmascope!"
"My opthalmascope went dead halfway through PCD..."
"Don't forget to charge your opthalmascope!"
"My opthalmascope is dead again. Do you think I could charge it in the clinic room before having to do the exam?"
"Is it taco salad day?"
"Ugh, taco salad day again?"
"Ooh! Taco salad day!"
"I'm so tired..."
Student 1: How do you explain homeopathy to people?
Student 2: It's like an imprint of a substance in a medium... and it's energetic medicine... Something about 'like fixes like'... and then you repertorize symptoms... and the remedy overpowers the disease...
Student 3: hmmm... I just tell people it's magic
Student 1: Have you done the Peds assignment yet?
Student 2: We have another peds assignment?!?! I was working on the health psyc assignment all week.
Student 1: We have a health psyc assignment?!?!!
Student 1: I feel so deficient
Student 2: OOh! can I feel your pulse?
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Sarah's Guide to Arctic Survival
So my brother is up in Alaska right now for work, and he left so suddenly that I forgot to make sure that he was given the right training to be safe. Honestly, I've never been that far north, but I did go to school in North Bay, Ontario... so although it doesn't make me an expert per se, I think I'm well qualified to write a guide on arctic survival. Although, according to me, I'm qualified to write any type of guide - all of which cannot truly be taken seriously, but I like to try.
So here is my survival guide for the great north:
1) The population is so small up there that you NEVER have to worry about population-claustrophobia. I am one of those people who actually gets claustrophobic if too many people crowd around me. Please don't test this theory... I will probably cry... and then someone will have to throw a EJCTFD card at me (to get this reference, read yesterday's blog post). So mentally prepare yourself for wide open spaces and fresh air.
2) It's pretty damn cold up there. Make sure to wear proper attire. At least 2 t-shirts and 2 sweaters under your down-filled jacket. And remember when you were a kid and you mother told you to wear your hat outside? Well, yes, you should probably listen to that advice. Otherwise you could lose a limb or a head.
3) Speaking of childhood advice, there are many animals up north that are specialized for the climate. They look at you and laugh at your down-filled jacket and big Sorel boots. Although normally we would discourage bullying and harassment, we have to be more accepting of the arctic creatures and if they laugh at us, do not make eye contact... just walk away slowly... Unless you are being chased. At at that point, refer to #4.
4) Always carry bear repellant with you. If you don't have polar bear repellant, pull out a full-size picture of a dinosaur. If a full-size dinosaur doesn't scare a polar bear, I'm not sure what will.
... maybe a house cat... those things are dangerous.
5) Attach a string to your mittens so you don't lose them. There is nothing worse than being in the great north and losing a mitten in -50 degree weather... except being eaten by a polar bear (refer to #4).
6) No matter how beautiful and clean the ocean looks, do not be tempted to go swimming in it. You will likely get hypothermia and all of your bits and pieces will be frostbitten when you come out of the water. If you speak whale, you'll have to do it from the surface.
7) About 3.5% of people in Alaska speak Spanish at home. So if you're bored up there, learn some Spanish and then go talk to 3.5% of the people in Alaska with your newly acquired skill.
8) They are well-known for their seafood up there. So take advantage of the local food for a healthy dose of fish oil straight from the source. If you are trying to catch the fish yourself, do NOT dress up like a polar bear in order to blend in with your surroundings. Fish are afraid of polar bears - as everyone should be. But don't dress up like a dinosaur either. Maybe if you're just really quiet and still, a fish will jump out of the ice water and into a bucket for you. But you might need to dress up like a fish so he'll trust you. Yeah, I would try this first... or hire an experienced fisherman.
9) If you are thirsty, do not attempt to chip off a piece of ice and eat it. The reasons for this are twofold: 1) The icecaps are already melting due to global warming, so it would be ill-advised to contribute to their demise. 2) Ice is cold... and your down-filled jacket is working so hard to contain your body heat, so eating ice would really be counter-productive.
10) Before you leave, you may wish to host a going-away party. If you don't, there may be some long-standing resentment among the peoples and the arctic foxes. The arctic foxes are amazing because they form monogamous pairs and stay as a family group for multiple generations in complex underground dens. Can you say "secret society" anyone? You definitely want to make these connections before you leave.
Seriously, how cute is that lil' fella?
So here is my survival guide for the great north:
1) The population is so small up there that you NEVER have to worry about population-claustrophobia. I am one of those people who actually gets claustrophobic if too many people crowd around me. Please don't test this theory... I will probably cry... and then someone will have to throw a EJCTFD card at me (to get this reference, read yesterday's blog post). So mentally prepare yourself for wide open spaces and fresh air.
2) It's pretty damn cold up there. Make sure to wear proper attire. At least 2 t-shirts and 2 sweaters under your down-filled jacket. And remember when you were a kid and you mother told you to wear your hat outside? Well, yes, you should probably listen to that advice. Otherwise you could lose a limb or a head.
3) Speaking of childhood advice, there are many animals up north that are specialized for the climate. They look at you and laugh at your down-filled jacket and big Sorel boots. Although normally we would discourage bullying and harassment, we have to be more accepting of the arctic creatures and if they laugh at us, do not make eye contact... just walk away slowly... Unless you are being chased. At at that point, refer to #4.
4) Always carry bear repellant with you. If you don't have polar bear repellant, pull out a full-size picture of a dinosaur. If a full-size dinosaur doesn't scare a polar bear, I'm not sure what will.
... maybe a house cat... those things are dangerous.
5) Attach a string to your mittens so you don't lose them. There is nothing worse than being in the great north and losing a mitten in -50 degree weather... except being eaten by a polar bear (refer to #4).
6) No matter how beautiful and clean the ocean looks, do not be tempted to go swimming in it. You will likely get hypothermia and all of your bits and pieces will be frostbitten when you come out of the water. If you speak whale, you'll have to do it from the surface.
7) About 3.5% of people in Alaska speak Spanish at home. So if you're bored up there, learn some Spanish and then go talk to 3.5% of the people in Alaska with your newly acquired skill.
8) They are well-known for their seafood up there. So take advantage of the local food for a healthy dose of fish oil straight from the source. If you are trying to catch the fish yourself, do NOT dress up like a polar bear in order to blend in with your surroundings. Fish are afraid of polar bears - as everyone should be. But don't dress up like a dinosaur either. Maybe if you're just really quiet and still, a fish will jump out of the ice water and into a bucket for you. But you might need to dress up like a fish so he'll trust you. Yeah, I would try this first... or hire an experienced fisherman.
9) If you are thirsty, do not attempt to chip off a piece of ice and eat it. The reasons for this are twofold: 1) The icecaps are already melting due to global warming, so it would be ill-advised to contribute to their demise. 2) Ice is cold... and your down-filled jacket is working so hard to contain your body heat, so eating ice would really be counter-productive.
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| Image from fineartamerica.com |
10) Before you leave, you may wish to host a going-away party. If you don't, there may be some long-standing resentment among the peoples and the arctic foxes. The arctic foxes are amazing because they form monogamous pairs and stay as a family group for multiple generations in complex underground dens. Can you say "secret society" anyone? You definitely want to make these connections before you leave.
Seriously, how cute is that lil' fella?
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