When life's milestones cost gagillions of dollars

I'm at that point in my life where it seems everyone around me is getting married or having babies. Biologically this is the end of the "prime" time, so it's really no surprise. But I find that many of us get tired of the rituals associated with these milestones. We have showers (usually several- both wedding and baby), bachelor and bachelorette parties, rehearsal dinners, and Stag and Doe's (the worst of them all).

Maybe that just applies to being in a bridal party. Because who really wants to spend a month's rent worth for a bride and groom just because you said you'd be a bridesmaid. It absolutely sucks. Not to mention the actual price of a wedding if you're the bride or groom.

Nowadays women are staying in school later, and therefore joining the workforce later. So how do you make it all work when you have no monies?

Seriously. I want to know.

But that's not my real beef today. I actually wanted to bring something to attention that often gets forgotten. We put so much effort into a wedding day, so why not give that kind of attention to your Birthing day? A wedding celebrates the beginning of a marriage, but the birth of your kid celebrates the beginning of their life and yours as a family.

I don't mean that so much in the financial sense, but in a symbolic sense. I believe a woman and her partner should be able to plan for their child's birth as you would plan for a wedding: as a special day in both of their lives. A wedding can be a huge production - in a materialistic show-y kind of way. A birthing day is a huge production in an organic human being sort of way. You seriously just produced a tiny human being and made your family 1 person bigger. That's a pretty big freaking deal!

It's one of my goals as a birth doula, to support mothers to make that day special, and not the dreaded account we see in movies and on TV. We've come so far in society to make giving birth a painful and uncomfortable situation. We joke around to pregnant mothers that "The pain's only going to get worse from here on out" and "You're practically going to be pushing a football through your lady parts." We tell them "Take the drugs! No one should have to go through that pain if you don't have to!"

Why do we build it up like it's the worst thing in the world? From what I've said above, it's like giving birth is equivalent to having all of your teeth pulled out. Who says it has to be that way? Why can't a woman be as comfortable as possible without having to get pain medication? Do you know how many tools we have at our disposal? How many relaxation techniques we have! I'm not saying that deep breathing is a pain killer, but it helps to tolerate the pain better. Stress can wreak havoc on our health, so why would it be any different when you're pregnant or are about to give birth?

What other species do you know gets hooked up to an IV, lies reclined and requires an epidural to give birth? Think of dogs! They have whole litters of puppies and no one gives a dog an epidural (I'm pretty sure anyways... that would be absurd.). There are certain circumstances where an epidural has it's place, but why not try to plan your pregnancy and birth to make it as special as a wedding day?

Have a plan, and have a back-up plan in case something medically concerning should happen. Make yourself comfortable. We all think that you have to go to the hospital to have a baby... but why? Something terrible isn't going to happen every time a woman gives birth. The Birth Doula who ran the workshop course this weekend said something that really hit the mark: give birth where you feel safe. A place that you can trust in. If you feel safer at home, give birth at home if you can. If you feel much safer going to a hospital, then go to the hospital. Either way, the point I want to make is to make sure you're comfortable. Bring things into the room that are comforting to you. Have music playing in the room if you like. Have people around you that make you feel safe. Remember and practice your relaxation techniques. Hire a birth doula! Know that you can ask questions. You are allowed to request the evidence that a certain medical intervention is best in your case. You are allowed to make decisions.

So you need help in making those big decisions? Ask about the risks, the benefits, and any alternatives. And lastly, please, please, please, don't put yourself in the mindset of a victim when it comes to having a baby. You are not a victim, you are a warrior and this is you and your partner's day. You deserve to experience childbirth in the way that you want. And it doesn't have to cost gagillions of dollars... though raising children in general usually does... 

Disclaimer: This is all within the limits of your health status. Any serious health risks may change your original birth plan, but your comfort and relaxation tools should always be available.

Birthing like a warrior

While studying for a maternal and newborn care exam, I was so happy to read the evidence for my feelings on birthing practices.

There is only one thing I find more disturbing than watching women MMA fighters and that’s watching a woman give birth in the lithotomy position. Seriously. Jacked-up women fighting each other in a ring… it just seems so unnatural. It’s disturbing... As is our current birthing practices in hospitals. The lithotomy position is what we in North America would call standard: woman in bed, laying on her back, her knees pulled up to her shoulders with her hips externally rotated. Seriously?!? How does this make any sense?

I think what really makes me mad is that men (in history) have completely taken over this amazing part in a woman’s life. I mean, childbirth (is one of the many things that) makes us the warriors that we are. Why are we so afraid of it? Why does Hollywood depict childbirth as the most excruciating pain, like being tortured? Why shouldn’t we dictate how we give birth? I mean, why do we always follow the birthing plan of hospitals and not the one we want?

Okay, deep breath. Hold the phone. I personally have never given birth to a child. I completely admit that I have no experience with labour, other than watching my sister go through it twice. There’s a part of me that still believes it may be physically impossible for me to ever push a child out from down there; but hey, I’ve seen it on YouTube, I’ve seen in it real life, and if my size-0 sister can do it, I think anyone can.

So about those studies I mentioned… It was found that women who squatted using a birth cushion had a significant reduction in operative deliveries and a significantly shorter 2^nd stage of labor compared with delivery in the lithotomy position (Gabbe et al 2012). In another study, women in any upright position (squatting, kneeling, sitting, or standing per patient choice) had a greater chance of keeping an intact perineum than those in a laying position (Gabbe et al 2012). So really, if you have no serious health risks and no complications, you should probably consider an upright position.

I just can’t believe that our medical system hasn’t caught up with common sense. Haha, okay, wait, that’s a bit of a joke… I really shouldn’t be surprised. Someone just bombed a marathon (A what? A marathon!)… human society is f*%&ed up beyond belief.

But really, would you be more comfortable having a bowel movement if you were laying back in a recliner? No? You mean, it wouldn’t be easier to bear down while leaning back? This is what Oprah would call an “Aha!” moment.

Any mother out there reading this may shake her head because I am nulliparus, but I stand by the fact that when it comes to my body, I’m a warrior, and I don’t plan to lay back in a ridiculously awkward position while pushing a kid out. I will take charge, have a birth plan and be the boss of my own body. Hypnobirthing? Sounds amazing. Sitting in a warm bath? One of my favourite things! Acupuncture and herbs to move labor along? Sounds right up my alley. Much better than getting drugged up, snipped open, and forced into an uncomfortable position while pushing against gravity.

Have no fear! Welcome labour like the adventure of a lifetime that it is, and have a positive birthing experience. Do it the way YOU want, not the way you've seen it in movies or how medical doctors think it should be done.

Gabbe (2012) Obstetrics: Normal and Problem Pregnancies, 6th Ed.

The Birthing Right

I was fortunate enough to be with my sister during the delivery of both her babies, and was able to help coach her through the pushing of her second. I will never forget that moment for the rest of my life - mostly because she's such a tiny girl and I didn't know how it would physically possible for her to push out an actual infant. I thought about her first baby's head crowing and then the doctor's saying "hmm... yeah, sorry folks, but that's as far as she's gonna go."

Me holding my niece Lyla, 2007
The day we brought her home from the hospital

But my sister did an amazing job, and she has two beautiful babies to show for it (who are now 4 and 6), but I will never forget those days, and what it was like to be around the hospital staff. I don't know how some women do it - just show up at the hospital and let them run the show. I would be terrified! Some of the nurses are just so amazing and kind, and others (like in any profession) are demanding and angry and have no empathy.

They see a young girl in the hospital and automatically assume that girl is incompetent; when breastfeeding is difficult the first or second time around, they shove formula at her (or send her home with it later). I'm sure it's some marketing scheme by Nestle or Similac (I can't remember which one we were sent home with) to give hospitals free cans of formula and push them on new mothers who are going through so much already. (Plus, who doesn't like getting free stuff?).

It's extremely frustrating for me to see. It's as if we're expected to put all of our trust in our medical system. I think that's the scariest thing I've ever written. Our whole medical system is so backwards to begin with: We have the government funding symptom palliation instead of prevention and health awareness; covering prescription drugs and not supplements. It's terrifying to think of women being vulnerable (I don't know many women who can deliver their own baby) and need support, and medical doctors and nurses act like they're the most knowledgeable and powerful people in the world.

Why not educate these women and present them with choices instead of just forcing them into a decision they're unsure of (for example, getting an epidural). That's the one thing I really picked up on at the hospital with my sister - I felt like we were always judged, or when my sister asked a question, it was like they were scolding parents, treating her like a child.

The Birth House by Ami McKay has become one of my favourite novels. It's so interesting how women gave birth before the medical system snaked it's way in with stirrups and Twilight Sleep; And also how they were able to convince women of their methods, meanwhile, completely removing women from their own birthing experience.

So I have decided to start my journey in Doula training, so that I can offer that support to women and help talk about the choices that they get to make regarding their birth. My training will begin in late March and I'm expected to attend 3 births as part of the certification. I think it will be an amazing opportunity to empower women, to offer support and to witness the joy childbirth.